


just a couple really nervous bros bout to really nervously fuck each other for the first time nothin to see here folks lets move this show along

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-12 15:49:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21478906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: It's pretty much just like the title says.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 21
Kudos: 193





	just a couple really nervous bros bout to really nervously fuck each other for the first time nothin to see here folks lets move this show along

DAVE: how do we  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: how do we do this?  
DAVE: like how would trolls do this i mean  
DAVE: i dont wanna fuck up or hurt you or anything  
KARKAT: UHHHH.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT TO SAY. YOU’RE GONNA THINK IT’S COMPLETELY DISGUSTING.  
DAVE: no im not dude i swear  
DAVE: i promise im not gonna think its disgusting if its with you  
DAVE: seriously whatever it is i wanna do it  
KARKAT: ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!  
DAVE: come on  
DAVE: please tell me  
KARKAT: OKAY.  
KARKAT: UG.  
KARKAT: IF YOU WERE A TROLL...  
KARKAT: AND YOU WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME IN THIS POSITION...  
KARKAT: YOU WOULD...  
KARKAT: ...UGGGGHHYOUWOULDPUTYOURBULGEINMYWASTECHUTE.  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: seriously?  
KARKAT: UUUUUHHHRRRRRGGGGGHHH.  
DAVE: you mean  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: are you saying you want me to fuck you up the ass  
KARKAT: OH FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET BABY HUMAN JEGUS I DIDN’T SAY I *WANTED* IT, I SAID THAT’S WHAT WE WOULD DO IF WE WERE BOTH TROLLS BUT OBVIOUSLY WE’RE NOT AND I’VE SAID TOO MUCH AND NOW YOU’RE HORRIFIED. SO IF YOU CAN STILL STOMACH DOING THIS WITH ME CAN WE PLEASE JUST DO WHATEVER IT IS THAT HUMANS DO AND NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN?  
DAVE: whoa hey hey hey  
DAVE: fuckin calm down  
DAVE: i didnt mean  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: jesus christ that IS what humans do  
DAVE: you just really threw me a fuckin curve ball with that one is all  
KARKAT: YOU’RE FUCKING KIDDING ME.  
DAVE: i shit you not  
DAVE: that is a very normal human way of gettin down  
DAVE: i mean if youre two dudes at least  
DAVE: but also if youre not  
DAVE: its just like  
DAVE: totally normal humany sex  
KARKAT: REALLY?  
DAVE: scouts fuckin honor  
DAVE: god damn dude i thought for sure you were gonna have tentacles or like  
DAVE: egg sacs or-  
KARKAT: EGG SACS??  
DAVE: yeah i donno  
DAVE: somethin like way alieny  
DAVE: dang what a time to be alive  
KARKAT: SO YOU... DON’T THINK IT’S DISGUSTING?  
DAVE: hell no  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: do YOU?  
DAVE: was that some thick self-deprecation armor or do you actually not want to do it that way?  
DAVE: cause if you dont thats cool too  
DAVE: like theres other things we can-  
KARKAT: NO! I... I WANT TO.  
DAVE: okay then  
DAVE: cool  
KARKAT: COOL.  
DAVE: cool...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: oh shit we need  
DAVE: um  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: we need lube  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: lubrication?  
KARKAT: ??  
DAVE: or  
DAVE: er  
DAVE: do trolls not have that  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW, WHY DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IT IS AND I’LL LET YOU KNOW IF WE HAVE IT.  
DAVE: okay damn really puttin me on the spot here  
DAVE: so like  
DAVE: when humans have sex this way we usually have to add some like slippery oily stuff to make sure everything slides in  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: smoothly  
KARKAT: WHAT! HOW BIG IS YOUR BULGE??  
DAVE: uhhh  
KARKAT: OH OKAY. WHEW. I WAS WORRIED THERE FOR A MINUTE. IT’LL BE FINE.  
DAVE: damn dude  
KARKAT: OH COME ON. I MEAN IT’S NORMAL. IT’S AVERAGE.  
DAVE: sweet save  
KARKAT: LOOK, I DON’T KNOW WHAT HUMANS ARE LIKE, BUT WHEN TROLLS ARE AROUSED WE PRETTY MUCH GET...  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: SELF-LUBRICATING.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: ohhh  
KARKAT: HUMANS DON’T HAVE THAT?  
DAVE: well... human women do i think  
DAVE: but not dudes  
DAVE: which is pretty fascinating if you think about it, cuz women are the ones gettin pregnant so biologically speaking it makes all hells of sense for heterosexual sex to evolve to be way easier on the go  
DAVE: but with trolls, since it doesnt matter for reproduction whether youre a man or a lady, you evolved the same kinda response for both male and female receiving partners  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: huh!  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
DAVE: mm  
KARKAT: DAVE!  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: YOU STILL WITH ME?  
DAVE: yeah of course  
KARKAT: ...DO YOU STILL WANT TO DO THIS?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: shit im sorry  
DAVE: yes i definitely do  
DAVE: im just...  
DAVE: im really nervous  
KARKAT: ...ME TOO.  
DAVE: haha yep just a couple really nervous bros bout to really nervously fuck each other for the first time  
DAVE: nothin to see here folks lets move this show along  
DAVE: take a look at the next stage we got a bearded lady  
DAVE: and like  
DAVE: a guy with a lotta tattoos or some shit  
KARKAT: DAVE THIS SCENARIO IS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE.  
KARKAT: WE’RE IN A SHOW ONSTAGE, BUT THE GUY IN CHARGE IS TRYING TO GET PEOPLE TO *STOP* LOOKING AT US?  
KARKAT: I'M NOT SURE THIS IS YOUR BEST WORK.  
KARKAT: I MEAN I KNOW YOU'RE NERVOUS, BUT I'VE COME TO EXPECT SOME SERIOUS FUCKING QUALITY FROM YOU.  
DAVE: hey i donno hes prolly gotta keep up throughput cuz theres just too many people wanna see this awkward ass display  
DAVE: its a nickel a head do you have any idea how many nickels hes gonna have at the end of the night  
DAVE: maybe enough to buy a go on the town telephone  
KARKAT: HAHA OKAY THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.  
DAVE: no but seriously lets do this whyd you even bring up carnival barkers at a time like this karkat that is pretty weird honestly theres a lot to unpack there  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
DAVE: sorry  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: lift up your legs a little  
KARKAT: LIKE THAT?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: oh boy  
DAVE: wow  
KARKAT: MMM.  
DAVE: ...you okay?  
KARKAT: I’M FUCKING GREAT, DAVE, HOW ARE YOU?  
DAVE: heh  
DAVE: sorry  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD STOP APOLOGIZING!  
KARKAT: ...YOU SURE YOU’RE GOOD?  
DAVE: yeah definitely  
KARKAT: OKAY.  
DAVE: okay here we go  


ONE VERY SATISFYING SEX SCENE TOO HOT FOR THIS RATING LATER...  


DAVE: can i...  
DAVE: can i come inside you?  
KARKAT: OH GOD YES.  
DAVE: no i mean  
DAVE: if i do is it gonna fuck you up?  
DAVE: like can your body handle it?  
DAVE: is that something i shouldnt do?  
KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW THAT IF YOU DON’T??  
DAVE: maybe i should pull out  
KARKAT: !!  
KARKAT: *I GUESS MAYBE YOU SHOULD!*  
DAVE: okay im gonna  


ONE VERY SATISFYING HAND STUFF SCENE TOO HOT FOR THIS RATING LATER...  


DAVE: oh my god  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: oh my god oh my god!  
KARKAT: !!  
DAVE: are you okay??  
KARKAT: YES??  
DAVE: youre... i didnt hurt you??  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  
DAVE: theres so much blood  
KARKAT: WHAT, WHERE??  
DAVE: where??   
DAVE: fuckin everywhere  
DAVE: just look!  
KARKAT: OH FUCK DAVE, IT'S FINE! ALL MY BODILY FLUIDS ARE RED!  
DAVE: they are??  
KARKAT: YES!  
DAVE: ohhhjesusfuckingchristithoughtitwasblood  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: NO THAT’S... THAT’S NORMAL. THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT. TRUST ME.  
DAVE: ohh my god you gotta be fucking kidding me  
KARKAT: ...YOURS ISN’T THE SAME COLOR AS YOUR BLOOD?  
DAVE: no well i dont have that uh  
DAVE: natural lubrication  
DAVE: and as far as the rest...  
DAVE: you can see it right there  
DAVE: its...  
DAVE: man its all over you  
KARKAT: HUH. WHY IS IT WHITE? THAT MAKES NO SENSE.  
DAVE: i dont know man  
DAVE: whew  
DAVE: im sorry  
DAVE: ill calm down in a sec  
KARKAT: YOU’RE REALLY FREAKING OUT.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: look im gonna get used to this i swear  
DAVE: im gonna get used to it so fast you wont even notice  
DAVE: whos used to this theyll ask  
DAVE: oh i guess dave is youll say  
DAVE: but honestly hes like SO used to it and 100 percent chill about the whole thing i forgot to even remember that time before he was used to it to compare to  
DAVE: the man exists in a state of complete post-use  
DAVE: it is wild how far his use has come  
KARKAT: DAVE, CALM THE FUCK DOWN! YOU’RE STARTING TO FREAK ME OUT NOW!  
DAVE: okay ill just say this once, and then i swear i will actually get used to it and not make a big deal out of it  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: to my completely untrained alien eye  
DAVE: it looks for all the world like i just stabbed you to death with my dick  
KARKAT: OH SHIT.  
DAVE: yeah just really got up in there and... whooo haha im gonna go get us a towel  


ONE TOWEL LATER...  


DAVE: im sorry i freaked out man  
KARKAT: IT’S OKAY. I GET IT. AS MISUNDERSTANDINGS GO THAT ONE WAS PRETTY HORRIFYING.  
DAVE: and im sorry i didnt come inside you  
KARKAT: IT’S FINE! YOU’RE RIGHT, WE DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE DEALING WITH. IT WAS PROBABLY THE RIGHT CALL.  
DAVE: its just i had this horrible vision where i came, and your delicate little incompatible troll biology couldnt handle it and it exploded all your insides and came bursting out of your eyes and ears and mouth right in front of me  
KARKAT: !!!  
KARKAT: **THAT’S** WHAT YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT????  
DAVE: just for a split second  
DAVE: and it scared the bejesus out of me  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: i pulled out  
KARKAT: WELL THANKS. I GUESS I’M GLAD YOU DIDN’T JUST POWER THROUGH VISIONS OF MY JIZZ-EXPLODED HEAD.  
DAVE: im sorry  
DAVE: we just dont actually know how compatible our species are you know?  
DAVE: and this was my first... um... a lotta things  
DAVE: and i kinda felt like i should be in charge and know what im doing and of course be hella fucking cool about it but  
DAVE: i wasnt  
DAVE: i was just scared of fucking up  
DAVE: or hurting you  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: i really dont want to hurt you  
KARKAT: DAVE! HEY! LOOK AT ME! I’M FINE! YOU DIDN’T FUCK ANYTHING UP!  
KARKAT: AND... IT WAS GOOD  
KARKAT: ...WASN’T IT?  
DAVE: yeah it was  
KARKAT: ...ARE YOU SURE?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i am  
DAVE: it was really really fucking amazing actually  
DAVE: apart from the couple times i thought for sure i was gonna kill you  
KARKAT: OKAY.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: DAVE, IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING...  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: i dont want to right now  
DAVE: i just wanna enjoy this  
KARKAT: OKAY. THAT’S FINE. BUT SERIOUSLY, IF YOU EVER DO...  
DAVE: ...thank you  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...do you think we can just shoot the shit a little bit?  
DAVE: like normal?  
KARKAT: YEAH, DEFINITELY. UM. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?  
DAVE: uh how about how weird it is that our species are so compatible sex-wise  
DAVE: like what are the fuckin odds of that?  
KARKAT: WELL CONSIDERING WE BASICALLY CREATED YOU, IT’S NOT A TOTAL SURPRISE.  
DAVE: oh come on you only “created” us because we had to exist to influence your own creation  
DAVE: get outta here with that made in your image baloney  
DAVE: shits cyclical and you know it  
KARKAT: YEAH YEAH.  
DAVE: i donno maybe theres like basically one chassis that suits intelligent life and thats it  
DAVE: even callies a weird-ass skull monster but she can still, like, wear a suit and sit in a chair  
DAVE: i dont know what she and roxy get up to but it cant be TOO out there  
KARKAT: HM.  
DAVE: its just surprising is all  
DAVE: were basically the same apart from your weird bisexual reproduction thing...  
DAVE: oh my god wait could i have gotten you pregnant?  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: could i??  
KARKAT: NO. TROLLS DON’T GET PREGNANT. WE COME OUT OF THE MOTHER GRUB.  
KARKAT: THAT WEIRD, DISGUSTING VOREY SCENARIO WHERE YOU JUST CARRY AROUND ANOTHER PERSON INSIDE YOU IS A HUMANS-ONLY HORRORSHOW.  
KARKAT: WAIT...  
KARKAT: COULD *I* GET *YOU*...  
DAVE: naw thats a uterus-only thing and i dont got the goods  
DAVE: there is literally no way  
KARKAT: OH. OKAY THEN.  
KARKAT: GUESS WE’RE NOT *TOTALLY* COMPATIBLE.  
KARKAT: GOOD TO KNOW.  
DAVE: huh  
KARKAT: HM.  
DAVE: ...you know who we could ask about this stuff if we want to get some reliable info  
KARKAT: HAHA OH NO.  
DAVE: a close friend of ours who from what i understand is pretty well-versed in the art of interspecies shenanigans  
KARKAT: DON’T EVEN FUCKING SAY IT.  
DAVE: jake  
KARKAT: NOOOO.  
DAVE: why not  
DAVE: might be something we can bond over since we both fall pretty flat on the gunplay fresh air avatar-worship side of stuff  
KARKAT: THAT'S DEFINITELY TRUE.  
DAVE: and hes not into all our cool shit  
DAVE: like uh  
DAVE: being fucking rad one hundred percent of the time  
DAVE: and i donno dane cook i guess  
KARKAT: OH FUCK ME, NO, I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO JAKE ABOUT THIS.  
DAVE: why not?  
DAVE: weve seen him walk of shamin it around the troll kingdom more times than weve had hot meals  
DAVE: dudes got no room to judge  
DAVE: and we shouldnt be judging him either even though i sorta have been this whole time with my walk-of-shame language  
DAVE: i should be better than that  
DAVE: shit dont tell jake i said any of those things  
KARKAT: OH GOD DAMMIT, I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THAT. JAKE ENGLISH IS A NATURAL-BORN SLUT, AND HONESTLY I COULDN’T BE HAPPIER FOR HIM. HE’S GREAT AT IT, AND IT DOES WONDERS FOR KINGDOM MORALE.  
KARKAT: BUT... I’M NOT.  
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. I... DON’T REALLY WANT TO TALK TO ANYBODY. I THINK I WANT WHAT WE HAVE TO BE JUST THAT... SOMETHING *WE* HAVE. NOBODY ELSE.  
KARKAT: ...IS THAT OKAY?  
DAVE: oh shit yes  
DAVE: of course thats okay  
DAVE: im sorry i didnt realize it was that big a deal to you but yeah thats dope  
DAVE: we dont have to go spreadin our business  
DAVE: i mean honestly i think everybody thought we were so NOT spreadin our business that they assumed wed been gettin up to this business for years already  
DAVE: so... like... thats fine  
DAVE: business as usual  
DAVE: i mean as far as everybody else is concerned  
DAVE: for us its gonna be business as uh unusual  
DAVE: the business of gettin down to business  
DAVE: business time  
DAVE: god damn im glad flight of the conchords happened before the whole world exploded  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: WE DON’T HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN IF YOU DON’T WANT TO.  
DAVE: why wouldnt i  
KARKAT: I’M SERIOUS. I’D BE OKAY WITH IT.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: thanks  
DAVE: but uh  
DAVE: i do want to  
DAVE: honestly  
DAVE: and i swear to god im not just saying this because i think you wanna hear it  
DAVE: like i know i got my shit to work through but i do wanna work through it  
DAVE: with you  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: if thats okay  
KARKAT: YEAH, THAT’S OKAY, DAVE.  
DAVE: thanks  
KARKAT: HEY.  
DAVE: yeah?  
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT TO GO SHARING ALL OUR PRIVATE DETAILS BUT... I’M OKAY WITH TELLING PEOPLE THAT WE’RE TOGETHER NOW. LIKE THIS.  
KARKAT: THAT WE’RE.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW.  
KARKAT: MATESPRITS.  
KARKAT: ...RIGHT?  
DAVE: matesprits  
DAVE: yeah that sounds really good  
DAVE: lets tell people that  
KARKAT: OKAY.  
DAVE: hey karkat  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DAVE: im really glad we did this  
KARKAT: ME TOO.  
DAVE: also um  
DAVE: i kinda feel like ive been dictating a lot of what we do here like ive noticed it and im sorry and ill stop soon but uh  
DAVE: do you think we could maybe just not talk for a while now  
DAVE: just kinda lie here and enjoy this  
KARKAT: YEAH DAVE. OF COURSE.  
DAVE: nice  



End file.
